Revelatory April

For me, it’s always the anticipation before making a wager that makes me the most hyper-paranoid/nervous/etc. It’s like Schrodinger’s Cat– you don’t know if the cat is dead or not… thus the waiting causes anxiety. Although I never really got what the big deal about using a cat was…if you’re willing to sacrifice your [pseudo?] pet for testing scientific principles, it’s not like it’s being dead is going to make a huge impact on your life….so why bother checking after all….might as well have used some frog or whatever…

But yes. April has been rather thoughtful. I’ve taken wagers, felt like crap afterwards, and realized I need to learn to take failure more lightly. It’s not like I fail more than most people; although at this moment, it may feel like it, I do see how drastically biased my viewpoints are. From a high schooler’s perspective, failure in relatively trivial things is a big deal, but as I write these words even now I still can cringe at how insignificant my so-called life struggles are.

There was districts for speech and debate on Saturday. As a junior, I didn’t get to go in my event- again. I felt bad, obviously– but mostly because of the disparity between my abilities and my expectations I felt. I expected to place higher and I ended up getting a minimum of 5th of 7 people…which is not a good feeling. Out of all the things of my h.s. life, I’d stayed most committed to Speech and MUN, and now there was one dream pretty much dashed.

I drove onto the curb on my driving test today and ended up banging my head against the steering wheel [metaphorically] minus 45 points later (Who knew that  7-5 school zones were so deadly…), and now I’m just really, really pissed.

I haven’t experienced a lot of life yet…but more than anything it’d be nice to just not care about stuff like this. I mean, sh*t happens. Don’t we all know that by now? What am I gonna do when other bad stuff happens in the future that’s worse? Like if I became a war reporter and got kidnapped by the Taliban…I don’t think crying or being angry would help me there.

Nevertheless, I just wish I could feel more like this was some learning experience. I definitely cannot ‘build up common sense’ when it comes to a lot of things, especially driving… Maybe if I could feel less entitled to success too? That’d be beneficial.


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