A few months ago, I got a text message. The contents of this message concerned an intimate situation I was presently engulfed in that had led me to hold a certain perception — that perception was a belief. That belief represented something I wanted to be true.
Upon receiving the information this text message relayed, said belief was thrown off. And because I do not like beliefs in which persisting seems foolish, I refused to give my belief — and anything/anyone it concerned — any benefit of the doubt.
The text message indicated a potential implication I might not get what I want. It wasn’t even concrete, proven fact. Still I scoffed. Maybe I’d been destined to not get what I wanted — to have my belief actualized into “truth”. Maybe Fate had temporarily tricked me to believe the cards were in my favor. But ha, that wasn’t the truth!
“Fine,” I said to Fate. “If I might not get what I want, I might as well choose to actively make sure I don’t get what I wanted!!”
At least that way I would choose my destiny. Choose to chain myself to Fate.
I decided to let this text message, with all its assumptions and faulty extrapolations and implications into the future, drive my next actions. Which were almost to ensure that I wouldn’t act true to what I wanted/believed.
Imagine my indignation when the subsequent chain of events the universe revealed was not in my favor… because they indicated I should’ve followed my original belief. All hurt and confusion that resulted was because the information in this text message should not have been prioritized. What I’d perceived had been correct. What I’d believed had been correct. To deviate from that had been to deviate from a course of action that had been in my favor the whole time.
A few months before that, eerily enough, I was in the same situation. I heard a statement that also changed my life. I went with the statement, thinking I was at the mercy of what was predestined.
And once again, my initial beliefs had not been predestined to fail, and letting information drive my actions to do “what makes sense,” rather than what I want, resulted in sadness and broken relationships.
I pouted at the idea that not only do people not always get what they want — but what if Fate likes to delude them into thinking they might be able to get what they wanted! That’s worse. That’s a predicament I never want to be in.
So I actively avoid it. I gaslight myself at the first sign of trouble, letting me believe that trouble is the norm — the curve in the path means the path was never meant to be mostly straight otherwise, that initial perceptions are invariably always messed up.
But sometimes… maybe you’re supposed to ignore such text messages or statements or curves in the paths. Maybe those are just the universe’s red herrings. And if you take the red herrings as gospel, you end up not where you wanted to be.
If I dig through my subconscious, I come up with an interesting phenomenon.
I think I’m already chained to Fate, helpless to its fancies and impulses; tough luck, etc. Yet while thinking that, I also willingly chain myself through action, to an idea of what the universe wants. I choose to do what I may not want, in the moments where it seems like the more plausible outcome would be that I won’t get what I want or believe in anyway. It’s all because I never want to see the deconstruction and breakdown and fallout of choosing what I want, because then I’d have to face that I may have been wrong for wanting it. That I could’ve seen otherwise and prevented myself from failing and falling.
Thus each time I aggressively paddled down the river of fate, trying to go at breakneck speed, not fighting against the current to get what I wanted or going with the flow to see where I was supposed to end up.
Each time, I somehow believe that the flow of events is already happening. It is out of our control.
In church, I never understand the concept of praying to God. If God has already ordained events to happen a particular way, why is praying going to do any good? “I pray that your will be done –” It’s already going to be done. “I pray you show me the way –” well, even if He doesn’t show you the way, you’re still going to go the way he does.
“God, I really want this to work out –” Hasn’t He already decided either way?
Some have told me that requesting things to God could sway His heart. I never know how I feel about that concept. If God is seeing you plead for things to work out against all odds, it’s a display of faith?
Losing hope is easy; “hey look, the odds are no longer in your favor at this moment –”
Losing faith is a different animal; “hey look, the odds will never be in your favor regardless of how the moments change over time –”
Somewhere along the line, I began equating to losing temporary to hope to losing all time faith. In any scenario.
I would never go back and tell my previous self to act differently. It’s unfair that I happen to have the information I have now, so I can’t assume that I would’ve been wiser had I analyzed the situations differently.
But sometimes, I wish I could go back and, almost for fun, rearrange my worldview a little bit and see what positive outcomes could have arisen. What chain of events could have changed…
“Are you sure you want to do that?” I would tell the self that was about to cancel plans, recklessly flirt, ignore people that mattered, deny reality to those who craved an explanation, repress her true feelings in favor of the external perception, assume that her actions would have unforeseen consequences far worse than if she just —
Had some faith that she wasn’t chained to a specific destiny.
As of now, I’m not chained. But I still think I am.
What about you, dear reader?